Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
farters have to be the big spoon...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
