About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
