recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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