I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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