I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
