I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
