after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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