Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
