look no pants
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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