I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
