what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
