why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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