so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
