I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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