you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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