if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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