Your mouth is God's brothel.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
