If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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