i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
