Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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