I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I AM VODKA MAN
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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