Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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