Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
