After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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