You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
