I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
