Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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