I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
