i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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