Whod you bang
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
