So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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