don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
