Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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