Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
