I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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