I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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