that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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