3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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