So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
