Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
nutella sex= disaster
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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