I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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