Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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