I am spending my child support on dildos
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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