Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
