omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize