Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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