first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just want nice things and good sex
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
