i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
