My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
