Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
