TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Randomize
